My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
