Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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