Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
