How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
