Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
