the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
