For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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