my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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