I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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