I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
