i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Found the puke drawer
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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