i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
