If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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