I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
