He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
