an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize