it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
