Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
