just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We were destined to go to rehab together
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
