Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
