No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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