You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
