note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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