do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
