I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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