I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
