her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
