i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize