god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
