You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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