This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
