I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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