I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
