It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Boobs speak an international language.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
