Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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