loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
