I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
