hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
