You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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