I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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