:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
