Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
