I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
