Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
