1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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