I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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