You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
