he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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