I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
