god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
