I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
