o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
