I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
