you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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