ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
