Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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