I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
