My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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